Delicious

I am struggling to modulate my emotions. I feel bad, and I think I know why, but I can't figure out how to get past it. Donuts and breakfast sausages just arrived at work, and when I eat them, I feel better, even though I'm not really hungry.

Drinking, eating, working are some of the ways I have used to cope with pressure, and it doesn't take a genius to know the ways that each one of those can lead to problems.

Alcohol helps me to suppress emotions, usually the negative ones (though incentive this isn't always acknowledged as a craving's biggest factor), and perpetuates depression for hours or days after the drinking stops.

Destructive eating can help for a minute, and its negative effects - especially obesity - take longer to arrive than alcohol's.

Working is probably the healthiest of the three, not because it's the one most accepted in our culture. If I could quell anxiety/sadness/loneliness through a heavy bout of achievement, either at work or at home, I would be well on my way to a healthier life. The negative aspects of workaholism are subtle, and can be easy to manage if the -aholism is removed. An eight hour bout of intense work as a means of coping with life's pressures is good when any accompanying stress is kept out of a happy home life. Sixty hours a week that lead to a lonely spouse or unguided child is often rationalized, and regularly admired, and something I hope never to do for more than three or four weeks in a year.

I just took the last snack, even though I knew it wouldn't help. If I could think of it as a guilty pleasure, I would avoid the extra pain brought by perfectionism and self-punishment. Being aware of what was happening is a big step forward. Next is to learn discipline enough to stop before my stomach explodes, or never to start the guilty pleasure as an escape mechanism. Today it was easy; I hope tomorrow they don't bring more!

Another woman in my life

We picked her up last night. She woke us up a few times - no whimpering, just bladder control. This afternoon she conveniently takes advantage each time we let her out.

Things are getting better almost every day!

The run around

Thanks to the there and back cross country drive in '96, I have 80% of the states - I'd give it a B. In a few decades it would feel good to have traveled through that many countries.



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The first day was somewhat positive. Some patience is helpful; if I want a million dollars, I cannot expect it within the first week. The Secret uses the word 'manifest', but the process is easier for me when I hold on to the feelings. How will it feel when I have this thing I want? If I could focus on this a bit better, I would have more positive results. Interruptions and lapses in the focus make it easy for the old ways to return, aargh!

I am doing some paperwork, and it could use some strengthening and polishing, maybe 8 hours of dedicated work (a couple of days). I spent 90 min on it, and during the work my mind would drift. This is a better result than the day before, as I would usually find a way to check email or work on unimportant/unurgent tasks.

A great bisector for life is work and home. I cannot bring the problems from one into the other.

Having such a well balanced partner makes this part so easy. I am reminded again of how lucky I was to find Sheree. Goals at home are much closer, and we are already making great progress.

Life is full of both good and bad, and for years I have doubled the bad by self-punishment, often pushing me into sullen withdrawal. The escapes from such bouts of depression are rarely healthy: alcohol and television are life-destroyers, 4 hour bouts of poker and scrabble can interfere with close relationships.

My ability to handle setbacks is improving. There are just a few tricks I use, but they start with replacing the negative.

Belief

Sheree and I watched last night the DVD 'The Secret' (non-flash homepage). The content is remarkably similar to what I learned at Tony Robbins' seminars, and at $30, is more Costco-like in its chances of 'results per dollar' value. The optimism I felt is similar, and existed at the same time as the cynicism from trying it once without lasting positive results.

Emotions are powerful, and I have been in the grips of negative ones for so long, I am desperate for a way out. Adding to the frustration is knowing the way, but being unable to take a step forward. A handful of therapists have been helpful, but there has always been a glimmer of hope that some paradigm shift could help me make drastic changes for the better.

I will try this new tack for a few months. I predict positive results. The 'Secret' should be free, and I look forward to sharing and discussing it with anyone willing.