Management

You and your research resonates with me so strongly because of my recent struggles with life.

Sure the writer is arrogant, and he makes sweeping claims, but I think many of them are fairly well-founded. The paper strikes me hardest as I compare it to my own life, not that I should be working on potential Nobel-Prize winning projects, but that I have the tendency to settle for mediocrity.

In this negative state, I see an apathetic world blindly accepting the status quo, and I struggle with my failures to live up to my own potential. Thankfully my life is not full of this pessimism. Somewhere in my mind I know that my life (and the world) is not a barren wasteland, and there is no reason to feel so useless.

Everything is going so well, yet each day my drive to work fills my soul with an immense dread. It is not really the monotony, but the dissatisfaction with my life's progress the last day, month, or decade. A poker metaphor would be, I am happy with the cards I have been dealt, but I do not feel like I am playing them very well.

Reading this transcript gave me a few moments of levity, as I was again able to find some mature aspects of my personality. Developing them has been an intense struggle, and it is hard not to criticize my slow, broken progression. Too often I spiral down that self-defeating path, not appreciating what I have already done, and feeling helpless to make any improvements. If these are all maturity issues, I should be happy that the problem is so simple!

I have plenty to be thankful for, and indeed I am. I thank every star in the universe that Sheree is willing to give me a chance. All the uncertainties in my life are balanced by the conviction that with her, everything will be all right. And my friends, my family, and a God's good fortune are another source of gratitude. Focusing on her, them, and the rest of the positives should be such an easy task, but I have a hard time building that discipline.

The segue in the speech of Al Pacino's Frank Slade says it well, "I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard."